Written by Jandy
I am that girl they warn you about.
Annoying, exhaustively talkative, mercurial, and carrying a lot of baggage – a little too much heavy baggage, in fact.
I am that girl who is intense in every way possible, with too much love to give and not enough people to receive it, with too much anger and nowhere to spend it; mercurial, extreme, and anxious.
I am the girl who always texts first. Often I double text, because I’m eager – maybe a little too much – to get to know you and connect with you, whoever you are.
These vibrantly diverse connections enrich and expand my human experience and each new person I meet adds to this gaseous expansion of my universe – ever vast and boundless. So I often push past conventional boundaries to get to you – the real you.
But alas, I am that girl.
The girl with the debilitating anxiety, insecurity, trauma, and deeply ingrained negative core beliefs that color my every day experiences:
I am unlovable.
I am a burden.
I am not worthy.
I am a terrible person.
I am annoying.
I will be abandoned by everyone.
While I don’t hesitate to unreservedly give my all, I am also just as terrified that you will leave me and I am over-prepared for that possibility.
It has happened many times, no matter how aged or strong the connection, so I tiptoe on this tightrope in every interaction; afraid that I will finally push people off the edge and spur them to abandon me.
I am that girl who is hyper vigilant about even the slightest changes in verbiage or behavior and I am quick to jump to the pervasive and worn conclusion – that I exhausted their emotional reserves and they’re distancing themselves from me – that they no longer value my friendship and they want to leave.
Throughout the psychotherapy sessions and helpful talks from mentors and stable friends, I learned that my thoughts are often not real, especially when I’m not feeling “well” – when I start to slip and I turn into a different person – furious, bitter, spiteful, and envious; an insufferable shrew who is nothing like the wholesome person I try to be.
But it’s incredibly difficult to swat away these nagging ruminative thoughts that have been proven right again and again in the past.
So my rationalizing spirals from 0 to -100 within minutes, adding to my mounting distress and emotional escalation.
She stopped answering my texts this week. She must be annoyed by my frequent messaging. She must be tired of me. She hates me. I hate her too.
Zero to hundred or to negative hundred. No in-between.
I’m always seeking validation because my personality is made up of erratic, often juxtaposed pivots – from warm to cold, from good-humored to petulant, from forgiving to petty, from generous to selfish. There’s no one trait that can be accurately used to define me because I oscillate too much between extremes.
Who am I?
What am I?
No amount of praise from the supportive people around me can offer lasting consolation or help establish a firm foundation of positive self-concept because I can easily revert to the opposite state and disprove their positive assessments.
How can someone be both things at once?
My life has always been split down the middle and I’ve danced, tiptoed, and rampaged between the thin membrane dividing my intensely opposing personalities.
When people meet me for the first time, I wonder what is their first impression?
Crazy? Kind? Effusive? Raging demon? There’s no middle ground.
I’m doing my best to control my wildly oscillating state every day but on some days the task is seemingly impossible. Insurmountable, even.
But believe me, I’m doing my best to be a good person, whatever that means.
I am that girl with the two selves and I fear that people who meet one self will not be able to reconcile with the other. Finding people who will accept (and love) the entirety of who I am and understand that even when I’m angry, bitter, and hurt, I am still full of love, warmth, and compassion is challenging. It’s even more challenging to find people like that who actually stay for a long time.
It’s not easy being around me. But whatever cons I bring are balanced by the colorful pros I offer (hopefully).
As I work on myself and work towards achieving emotional equilibrium and stability, I hope that people can see the person that I aim to be – the wholesome half of my personality that is not marred by that other half.
In the meantime, all I ask for is to be understood.
All I ask for is to be accepted.
I am that girl.