My Journey to Becoming Me

Written by Jordan. 


Life can be tough for anyone. It is even harder for someone that is Transgender.

I am one of thousands that has had a harder life since coming out as a Trans man.

My journey has brought out the best in me while bringing out the worst in others. This journey has made me a far better person. My journey is a path I would walk a little differently if my childhood had been different. Then again, everything would be different for me if I had come out during my childhood in the 1990s and early 2000s.

My childhood had been somewhat normal. I did not realize anything was different for a while. I was active in sports. At age 4, my family gained a new family member with my younger sister. My first thought was that I was going to be one protective big brother. Mind you I was 4 YEARS OLD. A CHILD. I was very much in the mindset of being a typical boy. Or so I thought. I was able to get away with being a boy most of the time. Until my sister was old enough to wear matching dresses.

I still did not fully understand that I was a boy. I never said a word about how I felt. I had gotten the sense it was not something to be talked about. Until puberty hit me at the ripe young age of 10. I. Was. Mortified. Until that fateful day, I was sure I was a boy. I wanted to tell my mother I was her wonderful, amazing son. Instead, I was told I was female. A girl. Something I did not believe I was. Still never said a word. A big part of me regrets never saying anything prior to my mother’s untimely death. The other part of me realized the consequences of my actions had I done so and told the rest of me to keep my mouth shut. Until my aunt’s untimely death in May 2015.

At that point, everything changed. It was either kill myself for not being happy or find out what was wrong with me. A friend and teacher became the first person to truly help me. He told me of a place in Kendall, Florida that could help me. So off I went. I met a man that was Transgender. I would have never thought he was Transgender while walking past him on the street. It was the day I walked out finally knowing who I am. I went back to my teacher the following class revealing that I finally know who I am. My teacher is a big part of the reason I am still alive today. Now I am at a point in my life where I am genuinely happy with being the person that I am today. I know I would likely be dead had I not gone to him.

Here I am two years later and I have transitioned to the best to my ability with what little money I had over the last few years. It is different for everyone. For me, it is and is not safe for me to transition. My imminent move to NYC will change everything. I plan on being 100% out by the time I leave. Or close to it anyway. The last two years have been somewhat hard on me. I am losing family and friends for wanting to lead an authentic life. I am gaining myself though. I spent years pleasing people and being miserable. Now I am happy and am losing everyone. I am at the point where I no longer care. It is either die being miserable or live and be happy. I am choosing the latter. Even if it means losing the ones I love. Actions speak louder than words. Theirs have spoken volumes.

Moving away from the negativity has been the best decision I have made for my own sake and sanity. I am finally comfortable in being myself. In being myself, I am being authentic. My thoughts are different than before. I am okay with what people say because it is their perspective. Their opinion. I do not have to take it to heart like I did before. It has been the changed and more positive mindset that has helped me through everything.

My journey to becoming me has been hard. Far from easy. It has been those that do love me no matter what that has helped me in keepin’ on. I have had more people accepting me for who I am than people that have not. Those that have not have mostly been family. Family is not always. It is being okay with the fact I will lose people in fully coming out that is the hardest for me to comprehend at times. A now or never thing though. In coming out, I am being true to myself. I am finally saying “This is me, who I am, accept me as I am or not at all” to everyone. It has been freeing to be myself and be authentic.

Coming out is scary though. But I do know it is okay. Not everyone is going to like it. And I no longer care. For I am going to be myself no matter what anyone says.

 


About the Author: I’m a Trans male that has been transitioning since June 2014. I’ve been a writer since I was 16 and have a passion for helping others through my writing. It is the writing home where I feel most at home. A small town boy in a sea of creativity.

 

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