More Important than Being a Man, I am Happy

Submitted by Will Fios.

Please take the time to read just a brief history of a woman’s life. Understanding my upbringing, how and why I was emasculated is crucial to understanding this topic.

Enter the powerful, single, Italian mother who overcame the poverty of 1950’s Arlington Avenue Brooklyn and established herself as a renowned attorney.

Although she did not make as much as her male co-attorneys, she did, against the odds accrue a fortune and is quite the success story.

In the early 90’s she had her first miscarriage; followed by two successful births, my older brother and myself. I believe her experiences of being put down and held back by men in society naturally made her bitter toward men who fit the stereotypical American macho alpha male shoe.

In the summer of 2000, my father who grew up in America’s alpha male golden age could no longer withstand the bitterness toward his masculinity, and the emasculation finally led to the end of a 13 year long marriage.

Within two years, both of her parents died. She was totally broken inside and her two pre-adolescent male children couldn’t possibly understand her lifelong pains or struggles, let alone console her.

So this is where my story begins.

As a pre-adolescent I spent most of the day in a predominantly white, middle-upper class public school. As a male, I was constantly exposed and influenced by other males in school, so you can guessthe direction that this is going.

Real problems started once adolescence hit and hormones started to kick in – my urges to be accepted by the popular boys at school were stronger than ever, which meant me being the American alpha male.

I found acceptance mostly with other boys who also came from divorced families like me, but the bitterness that stemmed from my mother’s pain could not be matched by any of the other single parents in the community.

She subconsciously emasculated my brother and me at every turn in such small and large ways that I swore she would do it on purpose just to upset me.

Our alpha male ego could never grow past a tiny stub before she’d cut it down. My only escape was video games and anime.

I’m going to fast forward through the psychological/mental abuse she and my brother put me through because then this will be 152 pages long, and you’d have to be a psych major just to understand most of it, I’m going to cut to the chase here…

My brother, as a result of not moving out of my mother’s house is now a total loser with no balls; he is not a man. Instead of moving out and making his life as great as it should have been — I guess his head was too fucked up from all the constant emasculation and resulting total lack of confidence, perhaps his lasting confusion with his sexuality was also a factor in his move to drugs.

No, not alcohol and weed -real drugs, hard drugs, drugs that schools give assembly meetings to scare you away from doing.

Now his brain is all fucked up.

That is how he dealt with his deflated alpha male ego; this is the WRONG way.

Then you have me and check this out– I am a white male, 6’4” well over 200 lbs of athletic build, I’ve never changed a tire or the oil in my car, my wife’s about to finish law school and her occupation will make my current salary so insignificant, I’m better off being a stay at home “trophy husband”.

I have two tiny dogs, a maltipoo and a shitzu-poodle, and I walk both on bright pink leashes and sometimes put tiny tu-tu’s on them.

I train Brazilian Jiu-jitsu, and can name more girls than I have fingers, who could wipe the floor with me or leave me permanently crippled in an actual fight.

Now, far from the manly man spectrum, but more important than being a man, I am happy, and I do not care if people find me to not fit society’s role as the “alpha male” because I am happy with me.

Today, I am the total opposite of who I would have been if I fit in with those other “masculine” kids at school.

In high school, out of a total lack of confidence, masculine ego, and resulting lost will to live, I Googled “I need confidence” in a last ditch effort.

Had I not had the attitude to try and fix myself, I could have turned out just like my brother who did not know where to go and turned to drugs, but most likely I would have committed suicide (because how can a white male live with himself if he is not on top of the world right???).

From the Google search I found Chinese martial arts — and I am not going to sell you guys Kung-fu Lessons here, I am going to give you a universal lesson that transcends the core of all martial arts. It is a huge part of Brazilian Jiu-jitsu, and is the Excalibur to defeating the alpha male persona:

You must flatten your heart and lose your ego.

To understand that you do not have to be better than anyone else, but you should always strive to be better than yourself.

In this, there is no white, black, male, female, gay, straight, transgender, it is just you, and become the active change you want to see in the world.

Once I finally started to understand this, I began to have a deeper understanding of my mother and the situation that created her attitude, behaviors, and success.

I’ve gained an acceptance that things are ultimately the way they are because people have allowed and accepted them as — the way.

The only method to refute the current “way” is to start with an individual who will challenge the way.

So I live my life as the change I want to see in the world, I am me.

The “I can, I will” attitude is a major tool, although difficult to hold onto in the face of oppression – those who say cannot, adversity, and doubt… you must go back to flattening the heart; let go of the ego, be the change you want to see, be the solution, be you. Be happy…

I will never be who they want me to be.

I am me.